Before you continue reading this post, I'd like to warn you that it's a whole lot of writing about thoughts buzzing around in my head. I'll post something fashion related later on tonight, but for now, it's just a bunch of writing.
You see, when I started this blog I thought that I would never bring super personal things into it. I don't even have pictures of my home, not that it's anything special, because I thought it best to compartmentalize. This blog, however, is a creative outlet, and sometimes a little writing about something that's bugging you helps alleviate anxiety that is building up. So this is some of that, and maybe you kind readers may have an opinion about what I will discuss, or maybe you are having the same issue as me and this will help you out as much as it is helping me out to write this down.
I've decided that my biggest New Year's resolution is to give my friendship to those who truly deserve it. It may seem simple enough, but I've been thinking a lot lately, and I have been stretching myself thin to those who are underserving. 2012 will be the year that I begin to take care of myself again, and put myself first. A little selfishness isn't a terrible thing.
No single incident caused this resolution to form. I believe it has been a long time coming, and my eyes are finally opening. I've ended two friendships this year, one more difficult than the other. Both are completely different situations. The first one was easy. Though I considered this person a very close friend, her ultimately blatant, and quite intimate betrayal, was a clear sign that she no longer valued me. When someone openly hurts you in that manner, it's easy to get them out of your life, because you care about yourself and you realize they are not worth your care. Letting go of that friendship had no heartbreak, and no regrets.
The other friendship was more difficult to see as problematic because there was no one big incident that proved them undeserving. There are situations in which you give and give to someone because you see how much they need it, and you don't have a problem with it. You want to be a good friend to them, because you expect no less in return. There is a loyalty there for them, but you don't actually ever see the reciprocity. This is the kind of person that throws out the line so you see it, but as soon as you go to grab at it when you need it, they pull it away because it's too much effort for them to give you what you have been giving to them.
I haven't been in any kind of situation with this person in particular where I have needed extra support or attention because of life changing incidences and the like. I've seen that lack of reciprocity in the little things, that after 5+ years of friendship, it's built up into this huge mountain of evidence. The most simple example is the lack of support she has shown to this blog. Not only have negative comments been left on posts that other readers seem to enjoy and support, but criticisms have been made of the photography of this blog, and of the person who takes them, Kyle. Yes, Kyle is not a professional photographer, nor are he or I very knowledgeable of photography. The fact that he takes my pictures everyday, and supports my interest, should be reason enough for this friend to support the both of us and this blog, not criticize it.
This person has on several occasions discussed how she is learning to be accountable, but never once has she practiced it. Looking up a Webster's definition of accountability doesn't mean you understand the concept. Accountability is beyond being held responsible for yourself; it's also holding responsibility towards everyone and everything you encounter.
I'm not a perfect person. This entry may even be considered passive. But I know there are a lot of good people out there who suffer from similar relationships. I am friends with a lot of people that, like me, feel very responsible towards those who only take. From the outside it's easy to see how wrong it is, and how easy it should be to let go of those relationships, but when you confront yourself, there is so much loyalty and emotion clouding your judgement to do the right thing. The right thing is to take care of yourself, which means surrounding yourself with people who can take care of you when you are incapable of doing so. It's a hard lesson to learn, but it's something I have learned this year. It's a lesson I wanted to share with all of you, because I wish happiness upon everyone, and a large part of that is being happy with the people you keep close to you. This is why in the new year, my friendship will be given when deserved.
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